Of course I could speed into the future to see who wins the next 10 Super Bowls and make millions betting on sporting events. But as Biff proved in "Back To The Future II" all that money would probably just make me miserable.
The past would be much more interesting than the future. At the extreme risk of interrupting the space-time-continuum, I think it would be interesting to zoom back in time, grab some influential historic figure, and ferry them forth to the present day. Imagine the marvels that would await Abe Lincoln in 2009 -- computers, space travel, a black president, not to mention seeing his portrait on a five dollar bill.
The danger would be exposing these historic legends to mankind's greatest embarrassment -- erectile dysfunction advertising campaigns. Viagra commercials are a sign that God is just about ready to turn the planet over to another species. Maybe dinosaurs will get a second chance.
Sadly, ED drugs have become a billion dollar industry, and I have to give the credit to the guys and gals on Madison Avenue. No, it's not the man and woman holding hands from separate bathtubs as the sun slowly sets. No, it's not the idiots sitting around singing "Viva Viagra." What has made these drugs so popular is the ingenious disclaimer read at the end of every slickly-produced spot: "...in the event of an erection lasting more than four hours, seek immediate medical help..."
That's all guys need to hear... A four-hour erection. Imagine the fun. The only problem is, the four-hour erection is a fraud.
I would like to do a survey of emergency rooms across the country to see how many guys have showed up with four-hour erections. And why four hours? I would start getting concerned at three... even two.
What's the antidote for a four-hour erection? A picture of Janet Reno naked?
Marketing executives had to know that the four-hour erection disclaimer was key to getting a younger market. When Viagra first went public, Bob Dole was the spokesman, and everyone figured, "Well, the old guy was injured during World War II. I guess he deserves a few good nights in the sack." Bob (and his wife) would probably be happy with a four-minute erection. The idea of a four-hour erection appeals to the 20-somethings who think they still might have a shot at a porn star career.
Now I'm sure there actually is a guy out there somewhere that suffered some permanent penile damage because of "an erection lasting more than four hours." But from my unofficial Google research, I have determined that it is a very, very, very rare side effect. The fact that the four-hour erection plays such a prominent part in the disclaimer is much more about marketing than it is tort protection.
Just when I thought I was getting numb to the ED commercials, creeping ever more conspicuous into the airways and webways are more and more ads for penis enlargement drugs. Can we stoop any lower?
But as long as stupidity reigns supreme, I have an idea for the big drug companies. By now the four-hour erection alarm is getting a little stale. I gotta figure by now most guys that have tried the ED drugs have learned that their four-hour erection hopes are sagging.
So it's time for a new disclaimer: "...in the event of a permanent penis extension of two or more inches, seek medical help immediately..."
I have this disclaimer copy written, so if there are any pharmaceutical companies interested, please contact my agent.
